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Fear is the most predominant feeling that surfaces when working with an assault victim. Fear intrudes and plays havoc with her sleep patterns, causing insomnia and recurrent nightmares. This sleep disruption may lead to dependence on addictive sleeping pills if available. At this stage many women would want to reach out to someone for help but fear the man’s threats to harm anyone who intervenes so they would rather contain the violence in their own home than possibly jeopardise anyone else’s safety.

Traditional female role conditioning prepares women well for this position of sacrifice. They get the message very early on that they must always put others ahead of themselves in order to fulfill their role of nurturer and caretaker.

The end result of repeated abuse and victimisation is a battered self-esteem. The more severe the abuse is and the longer it has gone on, the poorer self-image she will have. She begins to believe the names he calls her – ‘stupid, incompetent, ugly’ etc

When any group believes it is inferior and deserves to be treated badly, this makes it easier for the bad treatment to continue. Such beliefs are sometimes called internalisation of oppression. Messages about inferiority of women come from many sources like family and friends, religious teaching, traditional beliefs, Children’s storybooks, schoolbooks, advertisements and T.V. The abused women may already see herself as inferior when she is first assaulted this may act to confirm her suspicion that ‘something is wrong with me.’

An assaulted woman believes the myths about violence in the home. She often believes she it to blame and might have provoked the violence. She thinks she caused the beating because she might have done something wrong. Her partner asks her repeatedly ‘why do you make me hit you? If you would just do what you’re told, this would never happen.’ She tries to become more perfect not realising that the violence has little to do with her behaviour or personality.

The violent partner in not violent all the time. There may be long periods when she feels he is the loving husband. This is the crux of her ambivalence. She wants the violence to end not her marriage. She hopes he will change. She is also terrified of the prospects of being on her own. Separation from her spouse may bring radical changes in her lifestyle. If she has been a housewife she may have to look for a job. For middle and upper class women, the drop in standard of living may be dramatic. She may face the harshest adjustments in the event of a separation.

The fears of the assaulted woman for the safety of her loved ones (e.g. children) keep her quiet. She stays away from a lot of people she knows or can help her because of her shame and embarrassment over the beatings. If she attempts to reach out, her partner often sabotages her efforts by controlling her activities or limiting any contacts outside the marriage. He may deliberately alienate her family and friends by rude and obnoxious behaviour. Her social isolation limits her opportunity for realistic feedback that might modify her perceptions of her situation. Her loneliness then serves to increase her dependence on the very person who promotes the isolation.

Most abused women tend to minimise the extent and severity of the abuse. The underlying thinking of the minimisation includes the following:

Her fear that talking about it may make her situation worse
Her lack of accurate information about what abuse is and who is a victim to it
Her need to believe that ‘it’s not so bad’ as a means of coping with her life until she is ready to deal with the reality and take protective action
Her shame and embarrassment about the abuse
Her belief that she is responsible for the abuse

The assault victim hopes her husband will change and became the husband of her dreams.

Victims of violence can become very unstable emotionally with mood swings that are not situation based.

This is not often directed to the source of the violence but may be vented at other. Sometimes it may be directed at the perpetrator and could result in counter violence or even murder. Years after the actual violence the victim may still have a lot of stored anger and may lash out at others with little provocation. The desire for revenge may be so great that it may cloud the victim’s entire life.